GOD CALLS ...
Listen, You'll Hear His Voice
By Father Frank
T. Wilder, OAR
One morning when I was a senior at San Pedro
High School in California my literature teacher asked me "Have you ever
thought of becoming a priest?" No one had asked the question directly
until then, and I know I hadn't ever given the idea serious consideration.
But now, preparing to graduate from high school, I liked the idea very
much. I applied for the local diocesan seminary ... and was asked to
mature in a college outside the seminary first. Although not accepted
for the seminary, the idea of becoming a priest continued to simmer
on the back burner while I attended the local community college. In
fact I wrote postcards to all the religious institutes of men in the
Archdiocese of Los Angeles, asking for vocation information ... even
to the Augustinian Recollects. Inundated with information, I threw their
information sheet away. It wasn't as flashy as the other sheets and
it didn't talk about big things like the other vocational material.
It was a ditto sheet that came from Watts, a very poor section of Los
Angeles. That didn't appeal to my ambitions. But God was drawing straight
with a curved line!
While at Harbor College I did volunteer work
at a nursing home (to get a feeling of what I thought priest work would
be like) and started to work at a library. My career goals changed from
semester to semester. One semester I even transferred to a trade college
and studied Chef Training. It was then that I applied to join a religious
congregation I knew about. Another setback! They didn't accept me, either
as an extern candidate for the priesthood or as a summer volunteer in
Baja California. The priest I applied to put it this way: "If you
really want to become a priest, you'd be taking Spanish, not baking."
Like a good author, God was developing a very straight story line in
what appeared to be digression. I had never taken Spanish and had never
until then even considered the idea. I don't know if my motivation was
just to prove that one priest wrong or because of a true desire to prepare
myself to be a good priest but, the fact is, for one reason or another,
I dropped the summer baking course I had already registered for and
enrolled in Spanish. At the age of 19, I was taking my first Spanish
class.
It must have been God's will. In 1981 the
would-be-baker graduated with a B.A. in Spanish. Throughout college
I had stayed involved in the local parish and in touch with priests
and seminarians. For awhile I would think seriously again about the
priesthood and/or religious life. At other times I wouldn't. In fact,
toward the end of my senior year of college in Mexico I wrote home that
I had decided definitely not to become a priest. I had made a Cursillo
and was sure my calling was to become a dedicated layman. In fact I
was so eager to run from God's call that when I graduated from college
I joined the Air Force and fell in love.
What I didn't realize was that while I was
running away, God had run ahead and was waiting for me at the next corner.
Let me explain. As an enlisted man at Offutt Air Force Base, I did become
a dedicated layman. I got involved in the Base Chapel activities: Cursillo,
ushering, choir, CCD, and Nocturnal Adoration. And I filled my off duty
hours with more volunteering at the Base Library and taking a painting
class. With my schedule overfilled there wouldn't be time for God's
call to come through. That might mess up my plans (of running even farther
away from myself). I didn't realize that God loved me more than anyone
else could, and my heart would not rest until it rested in God. I didn't
realize God was calling me with love all the while I was looking for
love somewhere else.
One weekend the Vocation Director from the
local diocese was preaching at the Base Chapel. Something clicked. For
the first time in years I really listened. I felt again an inner conviction
to leave all and become a priest. The group of Cursillistas, men older
than myself, who I met with weekly, forced me to admit to myself honestly
that God was calling me to be a priest. In my last year of enlistment
I became reacquainted with the Augustinian Recollects: first while on
leave in Mexico City; then in Omaha, Nebraska near where I was stationed;
and finally in Suffern, New York. I canceled my vocation trip to Chicago
with a missionary institute working near our base in Nebraska. Instead
I went, in October 1984, to Tagaste Monastery for the first time. There
I met Fr. Francis Moriones and the rest of the friars, experienced that
weekend washing pans for the Guild's "Italian Night" fund
raiser, joined the community prayer, and followed the house schedule.
I spoke with Fr. John Oldfield and Fr. John Gruben and once again something
clicked. I went home to Offutt Air Force Base and told my spiritual
director that at Tagaste I had felt just like I was at home. He told
me "Don't look any farther." I didn't.
Now in 2004, I'm writing this from Tagaste
Monastery where I continue to be at home and extremely happy. God had
thrown me a curve. He had brought me to the Augustinian Recollects,
even after I thought "No way" and had thrown away in 1975,
as a boy, their vocational material. Fifteen years later God brought
me, now a young man, to solemn profession as an Augustinian Recollect.
I professed solemn vows in their monastery seminary in Marcilla (Navarra)
Spain where I had been allowed to study theology. Just over a year later,
in 1991, I was ordained a priest in my native California. God was so
good to me even when out of fear I wasn't listening, wasn't trusting!
Since then, I've had the challenge of listening
to God, trusting, accepting new challenges, growing through the struggles,
new assignments as a priest, and studies as a graduate student brought,
opening my dark and wounded areas to the love of Christ, and most of
all, allowing Christ to help me pour myself out in love for God and
for God in others. My Augustinian Recollect family and others have helped
me come to know myself. God has used ministry as a formation team member,
hospital chaplain, parochial vicar, and currently monastery prior to
mature me and prepare me for the future. Thirty years ago, I would have
never dreamed of the blessings God has given me as a priest working
in Spanish ministry. One of the blessings was being assigned to Watts
... the very place in 1975 I had no intention of going! And there, finding
myself crying when I was transferred onward and had to leave a part
of my heart in Watts. It was also while I was stationed in Watts that
I ran my first 5K race. Then I began offering my running as a prayer
for vocations. In fact, I completed the Los Angeles Marathon four times
(1997-2000) as part of the L.A. Archdiocese "Run for Vocations
Team." I was 39 when I ran my first marathon! I see now that nothing
is wasted. And I'm still running. All the steps I've taken in the last
30 years, without me realizing it, have been God showing his love to
me. This includes when I was running away from God. These thirty years
of journey have begun to teach me to accept the love of God and my need
of God. Now I recognize that I need to trust in God a little more every
day, and I'm starting to admit that I'll always be a beginner. I'll
always need to return to myself and listen in silence to Jesus who frees
us and who empowers us to serve in our weakness and fragility. I need
to listen to Jesus who never stops calling.
for other stories, visit our news
archive
